God has been working on me lately. One thing has become apparent. I have some underlying fears and anxieties about my future in church planting. I am not questioning my decision to pursue this path, I am just acknowledging that I cannot exactly see where this path is going. I don’t know where the money is going to come from to take care of my family. I don’t know where we will end up? I don’t know how we will sell our house, if we need to. I don’t know how the timeline will look for getting started and bringing on teammates. There is a lot I don’t know and I have some fears and anxiety about it.
About a week ago and was feeling pretty anxious and stressed. I don’t think I realized it, but I was. I had just watched a movie at home with Amy and was getting ready for bed, anticipating the following day as a time to make some progress on our church planting plan. Amy had washed the sheets and we had not put them back on the bed yet. I was ready to get right to sleep and get some important rest for a busy day. Amy asked me to help her put the sheets on the bed and I pretty much exploded. I was frustrated that I wasn’t going to get the sleep I needed and Amy wasn’t being sensitive to all the work I needed to get done the next day.
I ended up helping her put the sheets on the bed and then went to sleep.
The next morning I went to my favorite place to pray and hang out with God. As I was listen for a word, I heard him say that I needed to go home and apologize to Amy. As I began to reflect on this I began to realize I had blown a fuse over a really insignificant 30 second request. (It is probably obvious to you, but it wasn’t to me). I began to reflect and ask God to help me understand why. It became apparent that I was afraid of the future and felt like I needed to work hard and figure out my own way forward the next day. God helped me realize that He is the one who is writing my story and I am not going to make any progress because I simply work hard. (I’m not saying I don’t need to work hard or that God doesn’t hold me responsible for playing a part in working out my own future) Essentially, I was not trusting God with my future and it manifested itself in my short fuse with Amy.
My own brokenness/sin (mistreating Amy) was not a result of my not loving or respecting Amy, but because I wasn’t trusting God. I was afraid. By the way, I did go home and confess my sin to Amy and ask for her forgiveness. She did extend grace and forgiveness to me. She is pretty great! And I are trying to walk forward with behavior that shows I am trusting God.
I hope to give some theological reflection to this in another post, but I’m running out of time today. Thanks for praying for us!